Rolling into Las Vegas

Errata

Early Vegas
Great old publicity pics

Quotes

"The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice is so pleasurable, that I assume it must be evil." 
~Heywood Broun

"If you must play, decide upon three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time."
~Chinese Proverb

"Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed." 
~Mark Twain

Las Vegas
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"Nevada is a good place to learn about space. Outside of Las Vegas , Reno and Carson City, it is empty. "
~A Sense of Place: Listening to Americans
David Lamb

"The night before I left Las Vegas I walked out in the desert to look at the moon. There was a jeweled city on the horizon, spires rising in the night, but the jewels were diadems of electric and the spires were the neon of signs ten stories high."
~An American Dream Norman Mailer

"Las Vegas is loaded with all kinds of gambling devices,"
says Joey Adams.
"Dice tables, slot machines, and wedding chapels."

VP AND ME DO LV

By Terrence Murphy

"I just flew in from Las Vegas and boy are my arms tired. "Bud-Dumph!"

Las Vegas is not real. It's just one humongous spectacular action movie set where the actors and actresses are you and me, only we don't get paid, we pay them! But we do get a few perks in the form of food comps and cash backs from the casinos, which seems to satisfy most visitors who gamble there.

So, why do people keep going back time after time and spending all that money? I think it's because our normal lives are so hum-drum and routine for most of us, that we're willing to pay almost anything to escape for a while and pretend to be someone special, just like the movie stars they we see on the big screen and in the news everyday. And the casinos are more than willing to help us in this "I'm a VIP" charade just as long as we keep gambling and spending our money.

My trip, last fall, was no different. From the minute I arrived until the minute I left, I felt like this wonderfully, overstated, gaudy town was created just for me for my own private use. As I wandered around the streets in and out of casinos each day, oohing and aahing and sampling the culinary and liquid delights with my wike Dolores and friends, I took notes and finally, with the help of VP Pappy, I've gotten around to putting them together for this accounting:

"Las Vegas is also a cultural center, featuring extravagant theatrical productions in which world-class performers express the artistic concept: "Get a load of those hooters."

--Dave Barry

"Las Vegas encourages the illusion that adults can act like children and be excused from the consequences."

--Hal Rothman

t's 2:00 a.m. and Dolores, VP Pappy, ( my unseen mentor and best friend) and I are up and running. Were packing our bags and checking them twice. We're gonna find out whose casino is naughty or nice cause VP Pappy's coming to town. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!" Wait a minute, I think I'm getting off track here. It's not Christmas yet, and I'm not Santa Clause, even though I'm getting a pot belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly and my hair is turning gray from all those losing streaks playing video poker,and I do need a shave, and... Where was I? Oh, yes, We're catching a plane for Vegas in a couple of hours and I'm all pumped up.

After taking our charted bus to the airport with some friends from the Rochester Elk's here in Michigan, our group of Nick the Greek wanabes, boarded our plane and headed for "Sin City" to do some sinning of our own. During the three and a half hour flight and squeezed between Dolores and some guy wearing headphones eating what looked like bird seed out of a large plastic bag, I was cramped and bored, although I did have a gourmet meal provided by the airline, consisting of a cup of Pepsi and a tiny bag of pretzels. To break the monotony, I decided to ask the stewardess some very technical questions about the plane. "Miss," I asked, "What are those long pointy things sticking out the sides there outside the window?" "Those would be the wings, sir." She said sweetly. "Oh, and what is that roaring noise I keep hearing from somewhere?" I asked again. "Those would be the engines, sir" she answered a little less sweetly. "And why are those...?" She quickly turned and ran to the back of the plane and never talked to me again for the rest of the flight. I figured she must of been very busy and had a lot work to do. After all that complicated technical stuff, I was worn out and slept most of the way there.

As we got closer to Las Vegas, I glanced out the window and noticed how bleak and barren the landscape looked. It reminded of the pictures that the Mars' Rovers were sending back from the Red Planet. But as we got even closer, all that begin to change. Patches of green started to appear here and there in the shape of fairways and greens of golf courses, then the housing developments, and finally Las Vegas itself. As we touched down at McCarron International Airport, I'm sure all the passengers thought; "Look out Vegas, here come some more winners!" And I'm sure that all the plane personnel thought; "Look out Vegas, here come some more losers!"

"Losing like death, is never convenient."

--VP Pappy

"If nothing else, you have to admire a loser's consistency."

--VP Pappy

After collecting our bags and an unusually long delay waiting with some friends while they got their rental car from Alamo, we made our way to our hotel/casino on the strip. At the Flamingo, our rooms were ready, which at 10:00 a.m. was a nice surprise. The only problem was that it was on the twelfth floor and it took at least five minutes of walking through the halls to get to it. I thought of renting a couple of those little scooters that the handicapped people use to get around, but figured maybe it was a good thing as we could use the exercise each day.

Lunch was at Lindy's in the Flamingo where I had a huge plate of fresh fruit and yogurt, followed by Dolores playing da slots and I played video poker. Although the Flamingo doesn't have a great inventory of video poker, playing for quarters even on a 98% pay back machine isn't going to hurt you all that much if you don't play it too long. In the short term, anyone can get lucky at any game they play. But play a lousy paying game thousands and thousands of hands and the losses can really start to add up. The outcome was that Dolores won a couple of hundred and I lost a few bucks.

Around 3:00 p.m. in the afternoon and with the temperature in the nineties, I decided that we should walk to the Rio from the Flamingo. Yes, I know you regulars in Vegas must be chuckling at that, but I could see the Rio from our hotel room window and it didn't look all that far. So off we went, hell bent on a mission that I would soon regret. We walked and we walked over hot concrete coals, I mean sidewalks, and we sweated and we sweated. Through construction sites. Across expressways, highways, and byways. Over bridges and ramps. By the time we got there we were beat and Dolores was not too pleased with my decision. At this point we were in need of some liquid replenishment. A couple of large cold beers at one of Rio's bars did the trick for me, and a large rum and Coke did it for Dolores.

"There are people whose sole job is to design casinos, from the carpet colors to the type of lights to the slot-chair upholstery. The mission is always the same--seduce the player into leaving his previous life behind, abandoning whatever constraints his real life imposes, trick him into gladly and happily shoveling his money into casino vaults."

--Barry Meadow

During the walk, the thing that struck me as being really weird, (only in Vegas) was all these card-sized pictures of mostly naked women lying all over the sidewalks and stuck in the fences along the way. I guess they were advertising some kind of escort services. Wink. Wink. VP said it felt like he was walking through a porno snowstorm with these huge fleshy flakes covering the ground. I started singing, "Dashing through the porn in an one-horse open sleigh, or'e the porn we go sweating all the way. Oh jingle bells, jingle bells dee dee dee dee dee." Dolores did not see the humor in this.

At the Rio, Dolores went off and played her usual slots again and I sat at the bar and played another poor paying vp game of some kind and won a few bucks when I got a quad. When Dolores came back, she said she hit something or other on a Double Diamond machine for another $300 and then proceeded to hit a straight flush playing dollar video poker for $250 more. So far Dolores is up about $700 and the trip has just begun. Good for her as she has taken some big hits over the years playing those metal, money munching, monsters of financial mayhem.

Next we headed for the Rio buffet to meet "The Frugal Gambler" herself, Jean Scott and husband Brad for dinner. Jean is the author of several top-selling books on getting the most out of the casinos. We had talked on the phone earlier and she offered to pick up the tab for the meal on her comps of which I suspect she has tons of. It was fine with me as I never look a comped meal in the mouth or pass on a chance to spend some time conversing with a couple of nice people like Jean and Brad.

"Gamblers everywhere are eating better these days; even the buffets--some of which barely used to count as edible--are serving top-notch nosh."

--Buster Phillips

"The comps and the food that's being served in the casinos are making it impossible for non-gambling food outlets to operate."

--Thomas Grey

 

VP & ME DO LV PART TWO

"No presidential candidate should visit Las Vegas without condemning organized gambling."

--Ralph Nader

My trip to Las Vegas last fall with my wife Dolores, my unseen pal and mentor VP Pappy, and some friends from the Rochester Elks in Michigan was, to say the least, a surreal experience. Here in Detroit if I go to a casino, I have to drive for an hour or so, park in a cold, damp and lonely garage, walk down and around rows of parked cars stepping around and through puddles of water left over from rain or melted snow, just to get to the damn casino. In Vegas, in the same time it took to get to one lousy casino in Detroit, I can be in and out of maybe ten or so because they are situated side by side and on both sides of Las Vegas Blvd on the strip or downtown. That also means I can lose my bankroll ten time faster there then it takes me to lose it back home. A great place to gamble and visit, but I'm not sure I'd want to live there full time.

Now let me see...where was I when I left off?... Oh yea, now I remember. We were with Jean "The Frugal Gambler" and Brad her "Frugal Husband" at the Rio...

After having dinner at the Rio with Brad and Jean, they were nice enough to give us a ride across the street to the Palms. ( Hey, we were tired after that long walk that Dolores "forced" me take) The Palms stands tall and proud overlooking the Las Vegas Strip, looking something like a fatter Washington monument with windows and neon signs plastered all over it. The Palms has a lot of great restaurants and bars where a person could spend a whole evening just partying, drinking, and getting lost in all their upbeat music and dancing and never go near a gambling device. ( VP Pappy would love to live here and party down, Dudes, every night) But for me, what the Palms really has is great video poker and that is what I mostly came to Vegas for. They have just about the best selection of VP around the strip. We played on a quarter Double Bonus machine that has a long-term payback of over 100% for a couple of hours and I managed to hit, with VP Pappy's help, four Aces twice (love to hear those credits rack up) and walked away with a nice $375 profit. Dolores won a small amount on those damn slot machines again. I don't know how she does it, but I do know that it won't last what with their lousy payback percentages. (or so I thought)

"I vow to never touch a slot machine again...although I suspect this resolve has all the firmness of a cream pie."

--Barry Meadow

Next we took a shuttle over to Ceasar's Palace and wandered around the streets inside the mall window shopping all the designer items that we didn't really need or couldn't afford. Along the way I ran into some talking statues and had a good conversation with Bacchus, an old wine buddy. "Hey Bacchus, how's it feel to be stoned all day long?" I asked. Hee, Hee, Hee. "Very funny, wise guy." Bacchus replied." How would you liked to be standing here in the same spot day after day with thousands of mere mortals staring and making fun of you all day long and having to do the same stupid one-act play every hour year after year?" he answered. "Look on the bright side Bacco," I said. "It could be a lot worse. At least there's no pigeons in here." He gave me a mean look and as I walked away I could hear him yell something that sounded like, "Impurae matris prolapsus ab alvo!" I'm not sure what it means, because it was in Latin, but I'm pretty sure that it was something very complimentary. I'll have to look it up when I get home.

"The Vegas strip must contain more elegance and extravagance per square inch than anywhere in the known universe."

--Rob Wiser

We left Ceasars and the fountain show and walked back to the Flamingo and crashed in our room. We were worn out, exhausted and after calling and making arrangements to meet tomorrow with Jerry, my brainy engineer friend from work and his wife Virginia who were staying down at Harrahs, (see VP DOES VP in TC by BUS) Dolores was ready for bed and it was only 10:30, but not me. I went next door to the Barbery Coast for a nightcap and a little video poker before I hit the sack. The Barbery Coast is a neat little place that has some decent video poker and a comfy, cosy little bar. They also have a sports book area where you can crash for a while, kick back and catch up on what's happening in the world of sports. I finished every day at the place while I was in Vegas.

The next day I was up at 6:30 and on the strip for my morning walk, a routine I did every day while I was there. First stop was Ballys. Bally"s is set so far back from the strip that they need moving sidewalks to get their patrons to the entrance and back. Bally's didn't have a lot of good video poker like most of the strip casinos, so down the street I continued to walk spending a little time in each casino along the way. Paris, with its one leg of the Eiffel Tower in the gaming area, was a hoot. Aladdin was next and is a magical carpet ride back to Ali Baba and the Forty Thiefs time. Worth the time just to walk around in the place. Next, I strolled past a couple of mini-malls where I found an Internet cafe. I decided to check my e-mail and found a message from one of my video poker buddies who was at Windsor Casino back in In the Detroit. He wanted me to meet him there. I sent him a note telling him to meet me where I was, on the strip in Las Vegas, in reply.

"If you got talent, Las Vegas is the land of milk and honey. If you don't, it's a burial ground."

--Benny Binion

Next I visited MGM and since I already had a slot card from its Detroit-owned casino, I was fully comped in the place. After taking the tour of the place, I found one decent bank of VP machines way at the back and won a little bit before leaving. I made the turn around at the Tropicana where the landscaping is lush, green, and beautiful. On the way back I passed a couple of tired looking, pretty young ladies who turned around and ask me if I was looking for a good time, and at 8:00 in the morning yet. I told them that, yes I was, but it was going to be with my wife or in a casino. For that remark I got a one-finger salute as they walked away. Boy, the people here in Vegas sure are friendly. I picked up the pace on the way back and only met one other strange person who informed me that I was going to go to hell which I already knew from watching all those Jimmy Swaggart shows on television. When I got back to the Flamingo I had just enough time to take a quick shower and head out the door with Dolores for another day's activities.

After a great breakfast buffet at Harrahs with Jerry and Virginia, we headed for the Hilton to play some Pick'Em Poker. ( a 99.95% payback video poker game) We took a cab to get there and knowing where the place was, watched in amused amazement as the cabbie took a route that passed near the place a couple of times before finally getting there. The place was only about a mile away from where we were, but the bill came to about $15. When I questioned it, the cabbie gave me some mumbo-jumbo about construction and road blocks and such. Yea, right. At the Hilton, we headed for the Space Quest Bar where I knew they had the Pick'Em machines. What we didn't know was that we would run into Sam the very friendly and talkative bartender there. For the next two days, Sam and I got into a Don Rickles-like, who could insult each other the most contest, in a friendly, joking way of course. It got to be so much fun that one morning when Sam saw me coming he stuck napkins in his ears so he couldn't hear me. "Not fair" I yelled, " Take those damn things out of your ears and take your medicine like any over-bearing, loud-mouthed bartender would." But he left them in and went on serving drinks to his customers and ignored my insults. As for the video poker, Dolores hit for $1200 and $600 playing the dollar machines which put her up over $2,800 for the trip so far. And I lost a couple of hundred. Some days the beers gets you, and some days you get the beers.

"Ever have a casino visit when nothing goes right? When you wonder where you got the idea that gambling was fun?

--Alan Krigman

Later that night we had a great Italian dinner with lots of good wine at Andreotti's in Harrah's where we had some fun joking with Gino Federici, the strolling musician there .Gino was a great guy who didn't mind putting up with all my nonsense and jokes (or maybe he was just another great actor?) and could give and take with the best of them. We even bought one of his CDs called "Serenata" which reminds me of that night every time I hear it. Gino said that he was going to come visit us in Michigan and was going to paddle a gondola up the Mississippi and over the Great Lakes to Detroit. I love to see him try that in the winter time. You meet the nicest people everywhere when you aren't afraid to open up a little, let down your defences, and really talk to people as equals. So many people treat workers and entertainers as just servants in these places, like they were beneath their status and weren't worthy of consideration. It always saddens me when I see it happen in Vegas or anywhere else I go. Old VP Pappy and I like people and talk to everyone from the street hawkers to the bus boys to casino owners to little old ladies from Passadina in the restaurants and casinos around the country and have made lots of friends over the years, even if we never see them again. Life is as good as you make it. Sorry about that sermon. I'll get down from my pulpit now. After Andreotti's, we saw the obligatory "Legends" show which everyone should start with when they visit Las Vegas. It's always a good entertaining show.

"Casinos are delightful "hosts." They ply their customers--we players--with free booze, great entertainment, delicious food, and almost every form of sensual pleasure known to man in order to get you to or keep you at their tables. They do this because they plan to beat you. More important, they almost always do."

--Bill Jones

After leaving Harrah's, we walked over to The Imperial Palace and played the slots for a while. Hey, when in Rome. At around 2:00 a.m., and barely awake and standing with slightly bloodshot eyes, Virginia hit a progressive slot machine for over $17,000 which woke me up and got my attention. Knowing Virginia, I'll bet that she went to bed that night with a smile on her face and I'll bet it was still there when she woke up in the morning. Good for her, she's a very friendly, warm person and it couldn't have happened to a nicer person. At 2:30, Dolores called it quits and headed off to bed. I had my usual nightcap at The Barbery Coast and then made the long walk to our room and just barely got into bed before collapsing.

The next morning on my walk, I hit the other side of the street on the strip. At Bellagio where I oohed and ahhed over Dale Chihuly's beautiful glass sculptures in the lobby and tried to book dinner at Picasso for four that evening. Yea, right. I think they are booked up solid every weekend until at least 2006 or so. Oh well, I probably saved several hundred dollars in the process. Boardwalk, Monte Carlo, and the ever crowded New York--New York came next. By the way, unless you love huge masses of people all jammed together like worshippers praying at Mecca, don't even think of visiting New York--New York on a Saturday night. We did and I almost got claustrophobia in the process. Hordes of "in people" all dressed in the latest funky "in" fashions were running amok.(don't you love words like "amok?" It sounds like something lewd Eskimos would do.) Drunks, haven't-a-clue gamblers, mothers carrying or pushing babies in strollers, and thousands of site seers at 2:00 a.m. in the morning were everywhere. The noise was so loud it would have deafened a heavy-metal rock musician. Not my cup of tea. More like a cup of flaming moonshine. I hurried back to the Flamingo again for a shower and was ready for a new day's adventure.

"All the best actors and actresses are not in Hollywood, but in casinos. Casino employees are trained to smile, shake your hand, be sympathetic when you lose, and pretend to want you to win. Bullcrap!

--VP Pappy

The next day went just as the last couple did. Breakfast, gambling, dinner, entertainment and gambling againl. Later that evening, we played video poker at the Palms again until our eyeballs almost fell out and hit the sack around 3:00. The next day after dragging ourselves out of bed early ( I passed on my usual walk) we had breakfast at Lindy's and spent the rest of the morning packing, checking out, and heading for the airport. At the airport, I got lucky and hit for a couple of hundred on one of their lousy paying video poker machines there and bought a few things in their gift shops. Take off...landing, and we're home again. On the bus, driving back from the airport with our group back together again, everyone looked blurry-eyed, tired and run down, but strangely enough all we could talk about was what we were going to do "the next time" we visited Las Vegas. Will we ever learn? I hope not.

Terrence "VP Pappy" Murphy

"The restaurants, the themes, the nightclubs, the eternal ringing of slot machines, the endless hordes of people having fun, and that wild sense of freedom that comes with walking along the strip at night. It's a blast!"

--Adam Fine

"Las Vegas is the most honest, fake city in the world."

--Frank Scoblete

Continued-
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